Posts Tagged ‘advice


Realism for the Day #3

Anything can be forgiven with cake. Even if you don’t like cake, cake can and will make it better. If you cannot forgive someone after they have made and presented you cake, you are probably a sour, cynical, angry, dry husk of a crooked human being with a small black lump of shit for a heart and it is by sheer hatred for everything in this world that you live on…

even I want to have a fucking tea party with a unicorn looking at this cake!


advice for utterly inept man-things

This will probably shock a lot of you… I am in a relationship with an actual human female. A rather splendid relationship, I might add. With a rather splendid lady to boot. I know what you’re all asking yourselves, “That poor girl… What is she thinking? Has she not read this blog? Wait, is this girl made up?”

I assure you she is of sound mind, has read this blog before (unfortunately or fortunately depending how you look at it), and is totally not made up. If you weren’t all complete freaks, I’d put a photo up as proof, but from the search terms used to find this blog I wouldn’t want her image being a part of any of the troubling sordid things you’ll do to yourselves while looking at her… because she is astoundingly beautiful. You’ll just have to take my word on that, and from my track record on here you know my word is infallible.

here, have a picture of a cat instead

Being the thorough novice paramour that I am, and being the characteristically altruistic saint that I am, I’m going to put my sometimes steep learning curves here. Hopefully these will give you some pointers, tips, advice, whatever about how not to fuck up. At the very least it will amuse you a little or make the more sane among you cringe like someone is forcibly dragging your fingernails down a chalkboard. My real intention however is to not-so-subtly show my girlfriend that I am not a complete dunce and actually learn from my screw ups.

So here we go… My advice as it stands thus far:

Do not post your private jokes at each other’s expense on a public forum. Even if she dares you! You will feel like more of a douche if you follow through than if you hadn’t taken up the challenge. I’m almost certain this is a textbook example of douchery. In your mind, in that moment, it will sound like the funniest shit you have done all week. Ignore your mind! Your pathetic mind is male. With your male mates it would be the funniest shit you’ve done all week and they probably deserve the embarrassment they’ll suffer. The girl you are besotted with and who kindly indulges your stupid notions and tasteless humour – not so much.

No matter how fond you are of a certain body part of your significant other, your fondness should not be shared with anyone but her. You would think this is pretty obvious. You may think you are complimenting her in a roundabout way. You may even think you’re being roguish or maybe even sweet. To everyone else you are a gross fucking pervert. Fortunately, if you have any sort of sense, you will realise you are a gross fucking pervert, and feel suitably horrible and ashamed. If not, you are one creepy son-of-a-bitch, and should probably be banned from any sort of human contact immediately.

If there is the slightest chance what you’re doing fails to represent the lofty position she actually holds in your head, you’re doing it wrong. This is the big piece of advice in this post. I have managed to do this a few times mostly because I’m callous, sarcastic and slightly retarded. If you can help it, don’t be callous, sarcastic or slightly retarded. You should not do any of those things. Of course if you are those things, which I am, you best work on being sincerely apologetic… At least until you get them down to a manageable level.

If you didn’t guess, I managed to do all of these in one swift, brain fart. I just broke it down into manageable bits for you fucking retards. Now off with you. I have some apologising to do.


Getting Your Wick Wet Is Easier Than Starting A Career.

Getting laid is easier than getting any decent job. This is probably why contracting a deadly sexual disease, is more common in Africa than starting a successful career. Now I know there are some very clever people in their spectacles, who can explain why this is. I don’t care what they have to say. They’re getting paid to sit around and come up with reasons why this is,  I have to sit around and contemplate it too because I live it. Not that I have any sexual diseases, but it is easier for my unemployed ass to get my wick wet than it is for me to gain meaningful employment. With whatever appeal I possess, I can charm my way in to girls’ knickers, but I can’t flirt my way in to a junior position at any agency. Which is basically like saying, “Hi, can I convince you to let my slightly drunk self prod about your sexy bits for an evening until I get bored or pass out, and then never call you, for absolutely no other reason than that I make you laugh occasionally.” works better than, “Please,  shaft me by exploiting me and my talents for 2 to 3 years until I’ve paid my dues and you can eventually take me seriously.”

I spent 7 years of my young adult life, after the 12 years of my proper youth going through school, studying with the ultimate illusion that I was making myself more employable. Did it work? Well after 12 months of being in the “real world” I’d have to say, not a fucking titty!

Now I’ve always been slightly unimpressed with the whole “rat race” lifestyle. It is by anyone’s standards an unattractive way of spending one’s healthy years. Struggling to hold on to your job, desperately trying to get ahead of your colleagues for that promotion, without suffering a stress induced heart attack or stroke. Reaching retirement with enough money, health and sanity left so that you can live out your old age in relative comfort. In the meantime having lived for the weekends, and those 2-week holidays that seem just like work because you’re compelled to use your “free” time for stuff you should enjoy doing but just end up tired. What a depressing prospect…

So I swallowed that nasty pill a few years ago and accepted that I’m probably not going to be as lucky as some and never have to work in my life. I took steps to joining that rat race with the most likelihood of success, but now to be suffering through the mental abuse of being turned down repeatedly for jobs I studied to do is starting to seem a bit thick on my part. All the time, money and effort expended getting me through college I could’ve used on far more interesting pursuits. Like developing a crippling drug addiction or travelling around the world. Hell, burning the thousands of Rands I spent on education would have served me better it would seem.

Worst thing is, who to blame? Do I blame those good intentioned folks that insisted I spend my youth preparing for later life that presumably included a long career? This industry, that seems to put up all manner of barriers preventing me from entering it? Those greedy capitalist banks that fucked the world’s economy into a recession so jobs are scarce? The receiver of my applications that only knows me as far as the contents of my CV and portfolio, but sees fit to delete it right there and then? Or have I got this all twisted, and I should just be blaming myself? My effort of trying to look and sound the part just isn’t enough. All I know is there isn’t much more I can do. I’ve already changed my portfolio three times this year, and applied to so many jobs that I’ve literally re-applied to some places as many as 3 times. At least they actually got back to me with a rejection letter, which is more than most places do. I considered that pretty polite.

Along with the frustration of being seemingly inept at securing a permanent paying job, I have to put up with my friends and family who try to point out the lighter side of unemployment. Suggesting I have all the free time in the world to do things they wish they could do. I will categorically declare that the small things in life that employed people value, like sleeping in, or being able pursue hobbies does not make up for the fact that I can’t put petrol in my car that is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes. Kindly keep your delusions of splendid times you’d be having sitting on your ass, to yourself…

Very soon I think I will become so bitter after all this rejection and failure that when a job does eventually come along, statistically it is impossible for me to stay jobless forever, I will probably spit in the potential employers face. I think that will give me more satisfaction than any job will.

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