Archive Page 2

26
Oct
12

Realism for the Day #2

On the cusp of the weekend you will be looking forward to at least 48 hours of overindulgence. Overindulgence in all the things that these fucking people will tell you is bad for you. They’ll do whatever they can to try make you feel horribly guilty by Sunday Night or Monday Morning – whenever it is you resurface from the orgy of stimulants, sex and food. Fuck them! Fuck that! Life is short, painful and generally quite pointless. You are not a special butterfly, so you will not be missed when you die. You are not a Dodo, we will not remember you 300 years after you’ve died out. You might as well make it as bearable as possible and squeeze some joy out of life. People will probably like you more while you’re drunk, cancer ridden and fat anyway.

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24
Oct
12

Realism for the Day #1

Faith in a god is pointless. Faith in people is a shortcut to disappointment. Faith in ideals is like faith in people except you only have yourself to blame. So give up that last glimmer of hope and just take the beating life has in store for you. You’re welcome to try your damnedest to not shit yourself when you die but don’t be surprised if you do, because no one gets out with any dignity anyway. Faith in shitting yourself when you die seems to make a lot of sense.

23
Oct
12

pissingblood’s grindhouse classic review: Flash Gordon (1980)

Although not at all a Grindhouse flick, or even widely considered a B-Grade film surprisingly – it does fit rather nicely in to my trash sci-fi collection. I do have to admit though that – despite the wooden performances by the cast, the low-budget special effects, and the not-so-subtle fetish and bondage gear – the only reason this isn’t thought of as a B-grade exploitation film is because Queen were responsible for the pretty amazing title song and music throughout. I guess that’s enough really… And before you ask, yes, the re-watching of this film and subsequent review was brought about by Ted. Now on with the review!

Flash Gordon is a harrowing tale that highlights the plight of the Lizard-Men of Mongo. (Not where you thought this was going was it?)

The Lizard-Men are easily the most oppressed people in the galaxy, maybe even the universe. The first example of the cruel and inhumane treatment of the downtrodden Lizard-Men comes soon after Flash Gordon , Dale and Professor Zarkov crash-land and are taken prisoner by Ming’s forces. The unwitting space adventurers are led to the Emperor’s Palace where a Lizard-Man, apparently being held captive is disintegrated before the earthlings very eyes for trying to escape. No trial, no just cause, just turned to atoms. This is only the first of many examples of the cruelty endured by the Lizard-Men of Mongo that we could find.

In Ming’s throne room all the different people of Mongo are in attendance, there to pay fealty to Emperor Ming. The obvious absence of any Lizard-Men party goes seemingly unnoticed and unchallenged by any of the other native Peoples. Not even by the Hawk-Men, the only other Mongoloid race who somewhere along the line got it on with an animal. After Flash makes a daring attempt to escape Ming’s soldiers using an American Football inspired style of fighting, is he then sentenced to death, Dale is to be added to Ming’s harem and become his sexual play thing, (Banging aliens is cool but he can’t treat Lizard-Men with any kind of decency? What the fuck, Ming?) and the Prof’s mind is to be wiped to become a slave or something.

In the dungeon, we see yet more Lizard-Men imprisoned behind bars, while Flash is being held in a rather compromising position barely clothed… This is where you start to get the feeling that the film is more sinister than just the persecution of Lizard-Men…

Flash Gordon, 1980, Sam Jones

With the intervention of Ming’s own daughter, Princes Aura, Flash is saved. His execution is staged and along with Aura escapes to the Arboria the kingdom of the Tree Men ruled by Prince Barin who also happens to one Aura’s apparently many lovers. The trend of sexual deviancy runs in the Ming family, I guess. Although now alive, Barin out of jealousy sticks Flash in a cage suspended in the Arborian swamps. There in the watery cell, Flash shares the cage with a Hawk-Man and two Lizard-Men who are forced to hold themselves above the slime and mud or drown. How the Lizard-Men came to even be in Arboria is a mystery, yet there they are, once more prisoners. Flash is even party to the wholesale discrimination against the reptilians as he helps the Hawk-Man but leaves the Lizard-Men to their own devices. Even when escaping Flash offers no help to the Lizard-Men. You would think for a man who carries the title of Saviour of The Universe that it would include all its inhabitants…

When all the people of Mongo are eventually set free thanks to Flash forging an alliance between the Tree Men and The Hawk-Men leading a revolt against Ming’s tyranny – not a fucking green-skinned humanoid in sight, I tell you! It’s a disgrace! For shame! For shame on you, Flash Gordon! For shame on all the Mongoloids who are party to persecuting the innocent Lizard-Men.

Now I know some denialists will jump at the chance to point out that the Flash Gordon film is not a complete and accurate depiction of life on Mongo. Yes that is true, but there are other examples of cruelty towards the whole Lizard-Man race even as far back as the comic strips from the 50’s!

Flash Gordon Comic Serial

3 counts of cruelty to Lizard-Men (which I am told were very easy to find!)

If you’re that sort of despicable, heartless cretin that can abide the sort of wholesale abuse on show in Flash Gordon you’d probably enjoy yourself to the point of re-watching the unadulterated 80’s cheese fest over and over again. There isn’t a moment in the film you won’t find something to revel in. Since you’re in to the abuse, you’ll probably note more than most the fetish and bondage gear that has been worked in to the sets and costume design. You’ll probably enjoy it so much you won’t be able to help but call up all your  sick friends and get them to come round so you can watch the slaughter and debasement of an entire species and then have a glorious BDSM orgy!

Melody Anderson, Dale arden, Flash Gordon

what is up with those guards masks?

Ornella Muti, Pete Wyngarde, Flash Gordon

not even trying to be subtle here!

If in the final scenes of the film the shot of Flash’s rocket ship crashing through the conveniently shaped window of Ming’s pink palace doesn’t plant the seed for some kind of penetration action at all… Even the most decent morally incorruptible of viewers can’t fight that kind of subliminal messaging. Even just looking at the screen shots again has got me feeling a bit funny… Look at the image below and tell me what you see!?

a phallic metal object flying in to a round pink hole? not a stretch of the imagination here, people…

19
Sep
12

advice for utterly inept man-things

This will probably shock a lot of you… I am in a relationship with an actual human female. A rather splendid relationship, I might add. With a rather splendid lady to boot. I know what you’re all asking yourselves, “That poor girl… What is she thinking? Has she not read this blog? Wait, is this girl made up?”

I assure you she is of sound mind, has read this blog before (unfortunately or fortunately depending how you look at it), and is totally not made up. If you weren’t all complete freaks, I’d put a photo up as proof, but from the search terms used to find this blog I wouldn’t want her image being a part of any of the troubling sordid things you’ll do to yourselves while looking at her… because she is astoundingly beautiful. You’ll just have to take my word on that, and from my track record on here you know my word is infallible.

here, have a picture of a cat instead

Being the thorough novice paramour that I am, and being the characteristically altruistic saint that I am, I’m going to put my sometimes steep learning curves here. Hopefully these will give you some pointers, tips, advice, whatever about how not to fuck up. At the very least it will amuse you a little or make the more sane among you cringe like someone is forcibly dragging your fingernails down a chalkboard. My real intention however is to not-so-subtly show my girlfriend that I am not a complete dunce and actually learn from my screw ups.

So here we go… My advice as it stands thus far:

Do not post your private jokes at each other’s expense on a public forum. Even if she dares you! You will feel like more of a douche if you follow through than if you hadn’t taken up the challenge. I’m almost certain this is a textbook example of douchery. In your mind, in that moment, it will sound like the funniest shit you have done all week. Ignore your mind! Your pathetic mind is male. With your male mates it would be the funniest shit you’ve done all week and they probably deserve the embarrassment they’ll suffer. The girl you are besotted with and who kindly indulges your stupid notions and tasteless humour – not so much.

No matter how fond you are of a certain body part of your significant other, your fondness should not be shared with anyone but her. You would think this is pretty obvious. You may think you are complimenting her in a roundabout way. You may even think you’re being roguish or maybe even sweet. To everyone else you are a gross fucking pervert. Fortunately, if you have any sort of sense, you will realise you are a gross fucking pervert, and feel suitably horrible and ashamed. If not, you are one creepy son-of-a-bitch, and should probably be banned from any sort of human contact immediately.

If there is the slightest chance what you’re doing fails to represent the lofty position she actually holds in your head, you’re doing it wrong. This is the big piece of advice in this post. I have managed to do this a few times mostly because I’m callous, sarcastic and slightly retarded. If you can help it, don’t be callous, sarcastic or slightly retarded. You should not do any of those things. Of course if you are those things, which I am, you best work on being sincerely apologetic… At least until you get them down to a manageable level.

If you didn’t guess, I managed to do all of these in one swift, brain fart. I just broke it down into manageable bits for you fucking retards. Now off with you. I have some apologising to do.

05
Sep
12

your cracker boycott is bullshit, honky!

Holy crap balls the middle class are in an uproar!

 

Seriously, a company’s hiring policies that are in line with the countries stance on economic policies shouldn’t be much of a surprise. If you are surprised, you’ve been sheltered by your little white-middle-class bubble and haven’t had to face the reality in this country yet. And that makes me hate you even more. You’re one of those people who got ushered through tertiary education because you had the money, and then landed a job or paying work because of all your white family friends fulfilling their nepotistic duties by giving their mates’ kids jobs or leads.

Yeah… I really pity you, you motherfuckers. You’re essentially the reason why most of the country’s wealth doesn’t move out of white hands. I’m not being a self-hating white person. I just call it how I see it.

It’s not like any of Woolworths customers were suddenly going to start applying to stack the shelves or run the cash register in their local Woolies. Most of them would be far too worried about one of their neighbours coming in and judging them.

How I see it is a bunch of pissy little bitches, are just mad because they’re being denied access to something that most of them wouldn’t have wanted any part of anyway and calling it “racism”. Admit it. Until you found out your white brethren couldn’t gain employment at Woolworths, you couldn’t have given a fuck. You would’ve happily let the people of colour stack them shelves and ring up your over-priced groceries for whatever wage they work hard for.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I hate Woolworths with more passion than I usually reserve for things that actually matter to me. Forget about the overpriced chemically treated, imperfection free, imported food products and clothes they sell to deluded housewives and fucking muppet hipsters, that don’t like the idea of produce that doesn’t look like it’s been photoshopped.

Actually that is my huge beef with them. They support this unrealistic perception of what food is meant to look like. They play right to the disconnection between the source of food and peoples’ understanding of it, that companies like Monsanto thrive on! If people realised where the mini-corn in their pre-made salad comes from, they might think twice about buying it. The exploitation of resources and people in getting that pretty little bland piece of pointless veg into your conveniently made and packaged dinner, I hope you choke on it! Oh and the cotton that went in to that lovely garment you got for yourself at such a steal. Yeah, human rights were violated. You might as well be running a slave camp. Think about that next time you do a little spin in the mirror and think, “My, I look might nice in this.”

And lest we all forget, Woolworths is not run and profited by people of colour. It’s not the black man getting one over the white man. It’s the white man using the guise of BEE to hire people for minimum wage. I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of whites in the same situation. I am one of them. I’m not going to outright accuse Woolworths of using policies like BEE as a way to exploit people either, but I bet it is being used that way by a company like them.

Frankly all this has shown is that the rich white man, who is the majority of Woolworths’ customers, is petty, ruthlessly arrogant, and stupid. One white person didn’t get a job, irrespective of the millions of other brown and, yes, white people who don’t get jobs every day. Yeah, you’re fighting the good fight. You fucking numpty ass holes. You embarrass yourselves and me, just for thinking you’re defending my rights.

06
Jun
12

Not ever, in the history of my blog have I promoted anything. Usually just ridiculed it in the guise of promotion, but here is quite a nifty little product, and it’s for a good cause. Plenty of bloggers and designers out there could do with a good notebook. In fact anyone who remembers what pens and paper do when brought together.

VTTH

By Wash

A friend of mine has come up with a really cool idea.  It’s somewhat geeky (which had me interested from the start) and completely for a good cause, so I think everyone should get involved.

It’s called Human Writ.es and it’s a cool little project where you buy a very nicely-designed, high quality notebook (called a Writable) and your money goes towards providing notebooks for underprivileged school kids around South Africa.

View original post 321 more words

01
Jun
12

Not News24

My pet hate, for quite a while now, has been News24. It’s a sort of news website that I visit, in my attempt to stay abreast of what the fuck is going on in the world. They are not the only site I visit, and I usually scan news channels too. I use so many sources mostly because, I like to, and because News24 is inept at its designed purpose, since most of the time your attention will be dragged towards some article under which a heated argument is taking place. First mistake on their part is that they allow people, just regular idiots like you or I, to comment on the news, with pretty much impunity. Secondly, they allow any old fuckwit with an internet connection to post opinion pieces on their site. This is not only fucking retarded, but frankly insane.

literally breaking the news. I doubt they were ever first though.

I can hear some of you shouting, “But wait, you do exactly that, you being the arrogant fuck that you are, posting your opinions all over the fucking internet!” I do, yes. Happily I might add. The difference is I don’t post my illogical ramblings about things I don’t understand on sites that are meant to give readers cold hard unbiased facts about what the devil in green pants is going on in our country and the world.

Why would you want to hear or read someone’s comments about the news? The so-called, man on the street’s perspective. It’s like listening to a fat old shirtless man standing by his fence talking to his equally fat old shirtless neighbour, spouting their views of current affairs. No! The very idea of it seems ridiculous, because they don’t know a thing about current affairs that I don’t! What they know is exactly what you’ve read fed back through their biased opinion. Can anyone really be surprised then when racists, extremists, the religious and all manner of social rejects join in?

the spear of the nation, Brett Murray,

this is what happens when the man on the street speaks… pointless!

I’m not going to blanket every commenter as being a fat old bias man, some of them may very well have a rather balanced rational comment to share. Some might even be woman. (My obligatory sexist comment for this post) Really though, those few people who know enough to make those comments are lost in the deluge of brainless opinion shouters.

The news had it right back in the day when the news was delivered via a newspaper, radio or television programme that offered no way for the public to broadcast their feedback. You got the facts, full stop. If it was discussed, it was done so with family, friends, co-workers, and occasionally strangers in the line for the bus. If something said was stupid or ignorant it only affected those unfortunate enough to be present at the time.

Now, these same people you avoided in the bus line and sat as far away from as possible have a platform to let the stupid fall out and be read by millions. There are no benefits to this. This person is not shedding light on a matter. They’re clouding it with their own bullshit. The only thing that comes of it is it gives your growing disgust with humanity credence. At least it does in my case.

Then we come to the blog posts…

I have this blog and I write for other blogs and sites. The people who search out the blogs I write for are looking to read the sort of stuff I write. (or if search terms are to be believed, “grannies to fuck”) My point being is, that what I write is not news or even entertaining to everybody, and I know this so I am not about to go on to a news site trying to get people read what I write!

half of my readership

the other half of my readership… and yes, they read my blog half naked wearing socks…

So, why the fuck, am I coming across blog posts on a news website? Is this news? Does this deal with the cold hard unbiased facts of current affairs? Is this person an expert in a field that I may somehow benefit from, from reading what they have to say? Will I understand anything about what’s happening more? Is there insight, intelligence, anything of value in this drivel that I am reading?

The short answer is, no! These people are writing, often with no style or any degree of skill, what they think. What they think, is utterly pointless to me. If you feel what you have to say is that important, start your own blog and dispense your brain farts to your heart’s content. I mean it. I am encouraging you to do it.

If you’re good at telling people what you think, after a while, you will get told as much by the number of readers you have. Eventually if you actually are good and it’s not just the person you fuck, the people who must really love you and your pets reading your blog. People will recognize your greatness and ask you to write more, and so your words will gain an even greater audience.

Your audience will have been earned, by perseverance, hours and hours of writing and a smidge of talent. You were either thought-provoking, relevant or entertaining. You were something. You weren’t just being a complete arrogant drooling pion who piggyback on the popularity and credibility of a “news website” to dispense your twaddle. I call you arrogant because you believed you had something floating around your soft head that everyone should read. You don’t. So don’t. Stop.

There we have it… Does this rant have a purpose? No… Not really. I had some time on my hands and decided to write this instead of work or wank. Just maybe you found it thought-provoking or relevant or entertaining. Perhaps a sliver of all three, I hope.




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