26
Aug
11

wall to wall plastic cocks.

If you’re planning on going to the Durban Sexpo, you best avoid being a single hetero male… You will eventually tire of the whole affair, and spend most of your time at the bar, paying out the nose for beer, trying to figure out if it’s lecherous to hit on woman at a Sexpo… WARNING: It is. It’s akin to standing in the lingerie section trying to pick up woman.

Durban Sexpo

I’m not even entirely sure why anyone would want to go to the Sexpo. The majority of the stuff on show can be found in your corner sex store. Probably at a less of a mark up as well. The stuff that you can’t find at a sex store you can order online. I know some of you are going to say, but going to a sex store is an uncomfortable experience for the less sexually liberated folk. How is walking around a crowded well-lit exhibition hall trying to decide which cock replacement to buy any less intimidating than walking into a dimly lit, often pretty discreet adult store? First off, you’re unlikely to bump in to anyone you know, which trust me, after watching the encounter my mate had with some  female acquaintance, not realising she was testing the range on the remote for a water proof vibrating love egg, is something you’d rather not happen.

Love Egg

for those who don't know... this is a love egg.

The need for a Sexpo at all is beyond me… You can find everything and anything you’d want on the internet… Buy a porno? Are you mental!? Most of the internet is made of porn! I browsed the aisle and none of the DVD’s on sale were niche sort of variety that you couldn’t find more variety of online. They’re called download torrents, learn to use them… Okay, what about wank toys? No dude that I know takes his sword polishing that seriously to want to fork out hard-earned cash for a five-minute tug job that he essentially has to still perform himself. The one device looked like a plucked uncooked starved chicken. How the fuck you could shake hands with the milkman with that thing, I have no idea. The novelty of it would wear off quick; quicker than it takes an orgasm addict to spank his frank. For the ladies, there is a massive amount to choose from. Double ended 18 inch dildo to something that looks like a gate remote. Seriously you could attach it to your keys, and no one would think twice. There are aisles of dress up stuff, but I’m certain most of them will be used on Halloween when all the ladies let out their inner slut bag. You know it’s true! There are the millions of different lubricants and edible stuffs which is really more novelty than legitimately naughty. I was impressed by some of the designs of the more “ipod” looking penis replacements but other than being a kind of space age looking ornament, I have no use for that shit. Another exhibitor that caught my attention was the lady who takes plaster casts of sexy bits and paints really awesome stuff on them. The butterflies were really impressive…

Safe to say, the Sexpo in its entirety is geared toward women. If you’re one of those normal, well-adjusted people, in a healthy relationship you’ll have a good time too picking out your bedroom play things. If you get bored with walking around with your tired old bag of a partner you could always go check out the Woman’s or Men’s Lounges… By lounge they mean mini strip club. I didn’t go in, but judging from all the screaming from the Woman’s Lounge it was wild in there. As to be expected all you heard from the Men’s Lounge was music… takes real concentration to check out moving titties. I was there for few hours and the main stage had a whole bunch of stuff going on. I didn’t find any of it that titillating, but maybe I’m just too far gone down the pervert trail, so I won’t bash it too much. Although watching average Joe and Jane lick chocolate of each other isn’t sexy at all… Watching best friends Jane and Judy do it though had potential, but they weren’t stripping off like the Joes were, so it got lame quick.

Once again though, it has to be said, Durban is left wanting. The Jo’burg Sexpo is by miles far better than the pathetic show they have going at Durban Exhibition Centre. Like Durban doesn’t want to see Kayden Kross, Jesse Jane and Alektra Blue! We get Pricasso, some idiot couple doing and aerial show you can see at a weak circus and that hypnotist dude that hypnotised a tow truck driver’s chubby teenage girlfriend to make sex noises. I pulled a face like someone farted the whole time… Disgusting! We don’t even get that tattooed Nazi chick who boned Sandra Bullock’s husband…

my type of woman... if I wanted to be scared to close my eyes.

Over all, I’m cynical of the whole event. 4 days of your average pedestrian walking around trying to act nonchalant about butt plugs and vibrators with so many added features that a normal cock looks like a useless fleshy piss hose. If I was pressed to say something nice, the Durban Sexpo is good for a laugh. Gather up some mates and go point and snigger at the dildo’s moulded off better men that compete with horses for biggest dong. I’d rather people go and hopefully the Durban event improve to the same standard as Joburg’s. If anything you can show off how sexually liberated you are, even though you’re too embarrassed to go to an Adult World…

Go check out the Sexpo site for more details and to book tickets… www.sexpo.co.za

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1 Response to “wall to wall plastic cocks.”


  1. August 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I totally agree with you. I enjoyed reading your article. The Bedroom shop is an example of a lovely sex shop for women who are serious about buying sex toys. The lady at The Bedroom shop in Hillcrest said most of her clients are women over the age of 35 who have had kids and NEED to spice up their sex life. Any ways… Thanks for keeping me entertained with your writing.


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