tart up your t**t.

Pubic hair… Who looks at a bush and says to themselves, “I could make some money off that!” As strange as it sounds, someone did. I’m not talking about the conventional waxing, pruning services either. Throw that out altogether. This mind took it a few steps further. A mind like that is a wondrous thing, as much as it’s disturbing. The founder of betty™, apparently got the idea while in Rome. I bet it was just her playing around with hair dye and realising it burnt like shit when she put dye near sensitive areas. Then, that doesn’t make it sound as chic does it?

The other day while lazing in front of my computer avoiding work, looking at facebook I saw one of betty™’s ads come up on the side panel. I usually never pay attention to them because they’re mostly bullshit. This one however got my attention and I’m glad it did. After telling my brother he informed me that those ads are tailored to you based on your use of facebook, but for the life of me I have no idea how the-book-of-face thought this would be an appropriate product to market to me. Other than to make fun of.

It’s all down to personal taste… Pubic hair, I mean. Some like it wild. God knows why. I haven’t met a guy yet who prefers “al naturale”. In fact a few of my mates have literally pulled their hands out of girls knickers so fast you’d think something bit them, and made hasty retreats from otherwise really attractive girls because of excess hair. Thankfully I haven’t encountered a woolly snatch yet, so I’ve yet to know what my reaction would be. I’m pretty adverse to just the sight of a healthy panty-forest though so I may do a runner too. I’ve come across a few different types of styles in my time but overall the trend is less is more. As a result of this, I keep my own patch bald, or as close to as possible. I think of it as a common courtesy. According to Cosmo, it means I’ll try just about any form of kink at least once… Which is true, but I don’t put much faith in the accurateness of a magazine notorious for making mens’ lives harder by filling womans’ heads with drivel and solving their problems with questionnaires.

Back to my point… Here is a company that offers ladies and men I guess, the products with which to get creative with their clam beards. You can now sport a heart, bow tie, lightening bolt or lips on your mounds ladies! That’s awesome!!! I’d be pretty impressed if I whipped down a girls girly things to be greeted by a Hot Pink heart… Or even a blue lightening bolt. Why not, right? My only issue with the product is that it really does say a lot about Western society. We’ve stooped to such depths of blind consumerism that we can be sold products to make, what essentially every man and lesbian want since they hit puberty, to look like something out of a cartoon porno. To me, tarting up a twat is worse than paying top dollar for bottled water. Bottled water to my mind is the pinnacle of useless consumerism. It’s like selling breathable air. Then again, guys want lady bits as much if not more than clean air or water. Not that anyone is selling or buying sex here, it’s a just a comparison because we’re talking about a product.

Understandably I’m taking the view of a cynical male on essentially a product for woman. It wouldn’t exist if woman didn’t want to use it, that’s a given. I’m sure the cheeky little front bum secret is quite exciting for them. The reaction they get whenever the lucky laddie sees her decorated downstairs must be fun too. I’m all for the ladies making it fun for everyone. As long as there isn’t a rash of seasonal sprucing up, like red hearts around valentines day or green Christmas trees around the festive season. This very product has graced the pages of such womanly reading fair as Oprah’s O Magazine and Vogue, twice! It’s also appeared in Playboy Magazine, which I think hints quite accurately that this product may have come out of some male fantasy rather than any woman’s’ idea of fun in the bedroom…

In my humble opinion, I’m all for it. Only when I’m lying there having my post cigarette I’ll be thinking, “Surely you could have spent your money on something more important?” but only to myself of course. To show I’m not a complete sexist bastard, as a show of support for betty™, I thought I’d give some suggestions for new charmcils™, their cleverly named pube stencils.

  • An arrow (up or down, it’s up to you)
  • The word “Hi!” (who doesn’t like this informal friendly greeting)
  • A “welcome” mat (it’s obvious I think)
  • Smiley Face (for when it’s angry)
  • Musical note (we all know it happens)
  • Light bulb (men aren’t the only ones to generate thoughts down there)
  • “X” (like on a treasure map)
  • Speech bubble (to be filled in with a marker)
  • Christmas Tree (it’s mentioned but alas not an actual charmcil™)
  • Fish (crude, but comical)
  • An inverted moustache (could be an entire set here)

If you have an idea for a charmcil™ add it below in the comments section, I’m sure others and the folks at betty™ would love to hear them. To end off, for once I’m interested in your opinion. So to entertain yourself for a few moments more, answer the poll question below.


7 Responses to “tart up your t**t.”

  1. 1 dirk
    February 16, 2011 at 9:12 am

    A friend who works in a salon once worked on a stripper with a bright green patch of hair-down-there and the tattoo ‘keep off the grass’ inked just above it.

    I think strippers in general should organise some sponsorship deals and decorate their lady-bits accordingly…the Nike tick, the golden arches of Mcdonalds, the Mercedes emblem, the Sanlam hands…it could make the stripper an extra chunk of cash as well as introduce advertising to a relatively untapped market.

    • 2 tm
      February 16, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      I’d say that market is pretty ‘tapped’ ha ha ha

    • February 17, 2011 at 12:01 am

      That’s what I’m talking about Dirk! Despite my opinion that McD’s is pretty below par food already, seeing their iconic family-friendly logo on a stripper’s muff might not send the right message. Untapped market? Do guys who go to strip clubs never go anywhere else and only watch porn? My mocking aside it’s not a bad idea. It’d have to be pretty specific brands though or at least ironic. Sanlam is not a company you want to be thinking about when looking at a massive pair of tattooed titties.

  2. 5 rike
    February 16, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    look up vajazzling.

  3. 7 dirk
    February 17, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Okay, okay…I was thinking more iconic than relevant. Still, I think that even though you may not want to think about insurance while you’re watching a lady taking her knickers off, the moment the word ‘insurance’ crosses your mind in the future, the first image in your head is going to be THOSE little blue hands above THAT one strippers vagina. But for the sake of relevant advertising…maybe the Playboy bunny emblem, the Jagermeister Stag or even the Pfizer logo for the older clientele…

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