it’s a new species, and i hate them!!!

Hipsters have a funny way of pissing you off don’t they? They’re experts at it. From how they dress in all things vintage and exclusive to how they talk like they’ve studied a bit but not enough to know not to talk about it in public. They live their lives based on some secret sliding scale of cool that no one else seems to be able to grasp. Although once you know where one hipster stands on the coolness of something, you know how they all feel about it. Like they all receive the same message from the mother-ship. This is how, I think they’re a subculture obsessed with being individualistic yet still so homogenized…

Thankfully in my little backward town, we don’t have too many actual hipsters. Not legitimate ones anyway. Thank fuck for this, because frankly putting up with real hipsters in any social setting would make anyone want to puke repeatedly in their faces as violently as one could puke. I recently spent some time in Cape Town and watched these creatures in their natural habitat. It’s amazing to me that so many people can be actively self-conscious and nonchalant about everything and everyone at the same time. It like knowing a meteor is about to hit your house but you just stand there making coffee in your underwear. We have another grotesque inbreeding subculture that we had to give a name to in my home town. Like documenting a brand new insect in the Amazon jungle. Except it was less exciting and this new species is less useful than any insect, plus we didn’t have to really look for them we just went to a bar or anywhere dub step is played. We call them “Jipsters”. They’re a strange creature that look somewhat like hipsters but lack the feigned depth of character that true hipsters exude. They get their fashion tips and ideas from the pages of glossy magazines and television, not from fashion blogs and obscure indie bands. So it’s Cosmo and MTV hip instead of lookbook and pitchfork. These deformed creatures still call each other “bru” and speak with the inflection of a stoner although they don’t touch the stuff because it would mess with their workout routine and chosen sporting activity. They probably do a bit of coke though, because I don’t believe anyone is above the dirtier side of our society. Their true poison, however, is something like cane and cream soda. If they aren’t drinking that horrible pre-mixed shit that Mainstay brought out to sell to the drunken buffoons who don’t see why mixing your own is better. These bastards and whores of anything cool wear the campiest of camp gear but play rugby and the females pull their daisy dukes up around their belly buttons so high that you can make out the shape of their lips if you looked hard enough, and it wouldn’t be awkward to do so.

Some might defend these fashion victims and social lemmings in that, “It’s just young folk having fun.”. I say to them, fuck off! I can still be considered young folk, according to our leading parties youth indoctrination club, so therefore I can say that there is nothing fun about having to share a space with these pretend “indie” kids who wouldn’t know an actual indie band if they crawled up their legs and tried to impregnate them rectally. It’s nothing more than a popular trend being thrust upon us like the unwanted advances of a sweaty fat person. It’s “emo” all over again! Except this time it’s more socially acceptable because it isn’t all dress in black and confused teenagers aren’t cutting themselves and committing suicide leaving notes behind containing lyrics from crap bands. I don’t see teenagers committing self harm to a dub step or Kings Of Leon song do you? Although I do want to hurt myself, or anyone close enough, when either of those are within ear shot. I can actually stand and spot the people, that in their teen years wore their hair long and in their faces with arm stockings to cover their cuts, real or fake. Now in their early twenties these same kids are sporting shit out of those photos people put vintage effects on and slap ironic quotes over in San serif fonts.

If you’re reading this and feeling slightly guilty or pissed off, it’s probably because you fall into this new category of Jipster. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. Everyone else thinks you’re a toss bag, except your equally deluded friends. Here is some advice for you if you wish to change. Although I think the fear of being even remotely different from the “in-crowd” will force you to push your shame deep, deep down, so deep they’ll be sitting right along side where you’ve hidden the memories of your once-upon-a-time favourite uncle putting his mouth over your dingle or wahoo when you were a kid. Here it goes anyway though, stop and look at yourself in the mirror before you leave the house. Just stop and look, and ask yourself, “Do I honestly look good, or do I just look like a fucking retard?” My money is on, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll be heading back to the wardrobe to redress yourself. You only have to do this a few times to finally start dressing according to your own taste instead of some invisible sliding scale of cool. That is until another trends starts then you’ll have to wait till you read something that calls you out on your stupidity again.


4 Responses to “it’s a new species, and i hate them!!!”

    • February 9, 2011 at 9:44 am

      Given he was at a hipster party taking photos pretending to be an observer and went trudging through industrial developments with a bunch of them, probably to take more photos, means he probably is a hipster with a faint idea that he sucks.

  1. 3 megatron
    February 13, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    i love this blog but i cant/wont read this post because i want to avoid knowing what a ******* is, all i know about them so far is enough to hate them.

    i think talking about them is abit ******.
    i wont ever use or spell the word ******.

    i think if you know what a ****** is your hip, if your hip your a ****** and if your a ****** your crap.

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