Evolution: It’s real and happening right now.

If you’re a backward retard, and don’t believe in evolution, I will now attempt to dispel any doubts you may have, right here. For the logical and sane people, you can just read on for fun I guess. This theory, I will warn you though, came about from copious amounts of alcohol and was only really fleshed out under the cloud of a massive hangover, between rather unpleasant shits. Two days of nearly nothing but beer and rum are not good for your digestion. Actually don’t even consider this a theory it’s more just me talking shit.

As it was a long weekend, Thursday was not the quiet night out it usually is, it was destined to be a full-blown, let’s get sick on ourselves and pass out night! We got through our first few drinks and it was decided a nightclub was in order. I personally would not have chosen the nightclub we ended up at, but everyone else seemed quite enthused, so I went along, despite my better judgement. Inside was very nice, very pleasing décor with the shiny surfaces, massive mirrors, pointless vases, and a nice big outside area for those cancer-chasers. I’m sure it strikes most as a pretty classy joint. Standing there I felt like an alien. Not because of my leather and far more niche dress sense. It was the shape of their heads… Almost everyone I looked at had Neanderthal features. They have disproportionately large skulls and jaws with heavy brows. It’s like looking into the face of early man.

Pink-clad Muscle-Mary coming out the shadows.

Me, go to Sasha.

I say almost everyone because, obviously not everyone I saw looked like a shaved gorilla, there were others like me, who had wandered through the gateway to the centre of the earth, in addition to us time travellers, there were the woman. The females in this place were stunning. I had no idea that woman of this calibre congregated in such high numbers in one spot, at one time. It’s worthy to mention that they were dressed in the fashion of sex workers, which coupled with the amount of alcohol clouding my vision, may have skewed my memory on this point. However, it was extraordinary. The entire scene is like something out of a crazy science fiction movie. Beautiful, scantily dressed females dancing, laughing, nattering on, and all in the company of knuckle-dragging ape-men, who wobble to the music and puff themselves up in very gay shirts to impress a potential female. After my initial blind panic and tears I steeled my nerves and was determined to understand these people, much like a social-anthropologist. I smiled at the three young girls who I noted only just covered their breasts with cloth, and their rather well-shaped bottoms peaked out their minuscule skirts, they smiled back then loudly, and very drunkenly shouted, “Hello,” before promptly falling all over each other… On the whole they are a friendly enough bunch. The friendliest of the ape-men I encountered was a bouncer, who engaged me in conversation about my leather jacket and the many decorations upon it. He ended up trying to convert me to his religion though, there is nothing more awkward than a 300kg Born Again Christian. Despite these really fun encounters, I still feel I have to call my journey back in time and space a bust. The hot woman couldn’t even save it. I say this, only after some serious introspection. I feel a little funny about prodding a vagina that had previously had regular visits from a manicured chimp. I couldn’t so much as inspire wood around my ex-girlfriend after someone I felt was rather dirty, never mind less evolved, had penetrated her. The potential whiff of vagina is not enough for me to call an evening a success. I’m a little more discerning than that.

don't care

Warning: Beer Goggles In Use.

Now in comparison to my more regular stomping grounds, punk shows, the nightclub had many failings, but some definite positives. I know it may be bias of me to say this, but there aren’t many social gathering that can top a good punk show. The not-so-friendly looking misfits that attend these sorts of things are just the opposite of what they appear to be. Granted there are some aggressive characters in the mix, but most of them are pretty mellow, friendly sort. They would rather, sit down and chat over a beer than waste the contents by smacking you through the face with the bottle. I myself was surprised when I was swatted through the face by some drugged up punk girl with a horrendous haircut. The only reason I didn’t throttle this despicable thing was for fear of contracting a flesh-eating disease on my hands. How could I type with missing fingers? I would inevitably touch my crotch at some stage too. Those thoughts are too frightening to dwell on. Besides she did apologize profusely immediately after I swore at her. The demented people only add to the mad fun of punk shows. It takes all types, and it keeps it interesting just to see what one of them will do next, like the two people dancing on the car roof. That was quite good. Not like the freakishly homogeneous group of hotties and cavemen in nightclubs. What was also interesting was that no one present at the punk show had a particularly large skull. No ape-men in sight! Also, at the punk gig with all the booze and drugs floating around we had an elderly lady sitting at the door keeping us all in check, where the hotties and cavemen need 20 Goliath roid-monsters to police them. The most violent person at the punk gig was a 60kg ugly girl as opposed to the pink clad muscle-Mary who was stomping around bellowing at his tiny girlfriend and threatening what seemed to be his friends. Could it be, that somehow the smaller skull humans are more evolved, more civilized than the bigger skulls? Let us run off the facts shall we? Nightclubs need to be shiny and distracting in an attempt to keep the cavemen from noticing and attacking each other. The punks are in a mostly wood-panelled establishment with prostitutes renting the rooms upstairs instead of walking around with the patrons. The music, even though punk is considered the least complicated of the music genres seems cerebral when compared to the beat driven bollocks they pump out in the nightclubs, which frankly, can only appeal to those more comfortable sitting around a fire drumming feverishly on hollow logs. Granted there are fewer women at live gigs than in the nightclubs, which in all honestly is the biggest plus for a nightclub, but aren’t there enough people on the planet anyway? Why encourage needless procreation for the sake of profit? It’s just irresponsible to my mind. Based on my observations I put it to you that we are living in the midst of those thought to live in the mist… Thousands of years have passed and no one spotted that we are actually living alongside lesser-evolved humanoids that we have to compete with if we are to survive.

Frankly I don’t think I have much of a point to this long speech, but there it is. I’m too lazy to write any more and I feel a spell of the squirts heading towards my ass again. I will leave it here and let you fill in any gaps, which I imagine there are plenty. If I’ve offended you, I am genuinely surprised you can read, and you can lick my left one. If you’re not offended and enjoyed this you’re probably quite stupid and I think you can suck my right one. I’m bringing people together with my balls. I’m a fucking saint…

The bands that played to the Durban punks and that ugly girl with the stupid haircut… Dudes put on a good show so check them out.

Sibling Rivalry:http://www.siblingrivalry.co.za

Hog Hoggidy Hog: http://www.hoghoggidyhog.co.za


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